I echo these sentiments whole heartedly. But there are other sentiments, too.* Perhaps these apply only to me, because while others smoothly transition to the next stage of life, I still need my dad to give me a hug and tell me it's going to be okay. But whatever, maybe they apply to someone else, too.
Logistics. I will know I have succeeded when I have a life assistant to handle all of my personal logistics.** Scheduling the PODS - which, by the way, is a feat of engineering genius - turning off electricity, changing my mailing address, canceling my cable, returning the cable boxes, scheduling flights, shipping clothes to the friend I am going to stay with while looking for an apartment - another logistical nightmare. It's exhausting, and I'll be amazed if everything gets to Seattle in one piece.
Loneliness. It's such a weird, abrupt end. You have this month of intense social interaction with these amazing people, some who, realistically, you may never see again; then, you pack your car and drive away. Go home to people who you'll leave after a brief visit. Stay at my parents large home alone because they're on a trip. I haven't been home alone since high school. I feel like I should throw a rager and try to get away with it, but unfortunately, I no longer have friends in Chardon, or those friends have children, and their days of raging are a thing of the past.
Anyways, loneliness. As I'm making decisions about the next stage of my life - where I want to live, what gym I want to go to, what church I should go to, what activities I should become involved in, I'm making them for myself. This is extremely liberating, but it can also feel lonely. A friend called me out on it the other day. I told him I didn't want to do this alone, and he said, "Anna, I don't know why you think you're alone. Seriously. Why do you think that? Don't you know how many people have your back?" It can be easy to focus on what we don't have rather than what we do.
Anxiety. Honestly, I don't struggle with anxiety about work. After being out of the game for almost three years, I'm genuinely pumped to be thrown in the fire, because I know that's when I grow the most. And idle time clearly causes me to think too much. I don't even have anxiety about meeting people. I'm grateful I already know so many people there, and I have the utmost confidence in my ability to become involved. But if I think beyond the next six months or the next year, I get anxious regarding what it holds and what may be required of me. Hard stop. I remind myself I can't do that, because it's out of my control.
Jealousy. This snuck up on me, because I've never been a jealous person. I think everyone has their own life, each with its struggles and benefits. Besides, let's be honest, my life's been pretty lovely, and I really have no reason to be jealous.
I'm going on a six week trip. Then I'm going to begin a new life that will open so many doors, personally, professionally, and financially. I was talking to my brother, and he mentioned he and his wife were planning a trip to Italy next. And I got jealous. Just for a small second, but I did, because I've always wanted to go Italy, and I've always wanted it to be with someone I loved. That's not okay. I mean - really, Anna? You have literally no right to be jealous of anyone. I shut the voice up, but I'm sorry, Philip. Also, you better be reading my blog, otherwise I'm not sorry.
It's easy to focus on what others have that we don't, even when we have so much. I find having the discipline to not compare myself to others, but rather be content and grateful for everything I have, is a constant exercise, harmful if left neglected.
I recognize I'll work through these thoughts - probably once I don't have so much free time - but I think it's good to acknowledge them before I have completely worked through them, because while my two year time taught me a lot, I still haven't nailed the perfect formula for a flawless transition. I am getting better, though, and I'm sure I'll have another opportunity in the future. Until then, I have to go drop off my cable boxes.
* Which I am partially attributing to the fact that in the past week, I have been to the courtroom twice, graduated, and packed up my life.
** If the life assistant could also be my hypeman/woman, I could kill two birds with one stone.
No comments:
Post a Comment