Misadventures of Dating

Hi there, friend. Monday's over, and let me say, I feel much better than last Monday. You see, an old friend came into town last Sunday, and I was just so excited I forgot I have a real job now, and my zero trips to the gym last week confirm that I do not recover like I used to. Ahh adulthood. I bought myself house plants. Then I read the care instructions, and I give Eleanor about three months max, especially because the care instructions say it needs bright indirect light. Currently, all it's getting is smog as Seattle has poorer air quality than Hanoi, a city that burns their trash regularly. I think Teddy has better odds, but I'll bet in five months they will be replaced by fake houseplants. I don't know why I named them after the Roosevelts, except that I'm still watching West Wing.

I also bought myself a wine rack and plenty of colorful liquors to go on my bar cart - for when I entertain, you know. I'll mix classy cocktails and pour fine wine, oozing sophistication. Don't judge me - I got fireball. Just kidding, but that wold be funny. Possibly on brand.

Caveat: I have been on many dates, some that have led somewhere, and some that haven't. And I wouldn't be critiquing this one if it weren't for how he behaved at the end of the date.

In the spirit of adulthood, I also went on a date. I know, I know, I'm usually not pro dating. One of my issues dating people I don't know well is that I could have a very entertaining conversation with my table, learn its life story, and make myself laugh. Plus, there are so many people I enjoy spending time with and so many activities I enjoy, why is this a good use of my time? However, since arranged marriages haven't yet made their way to the States and the guys I know are committed or have the maturity of my nephew*, I occasionally peak my head above my burrow and look around.

I met this particular guy at his protein shake shop. I should have known then this was going nowhere good. The shake shop was beneath my apartment building. I ventured in there one day. We chatted for a bit, and I ran into him a couple times after our initial meeting. One of those times, we were talking about a good book or a good event or some other stupid excuse to get my number, but he asked for my number so he could send me the details. A couple weeks later, he asked me to go salsa dancing, and I couldn't go. He asked me out again; I couldn't go. He asked me out again, and I said yes to brunch. Harmless enough.

He chose a Mexican restaurant, which is great because I love breakfast tacos. He arrived in a cutoff muscle shirt. Strike one, but to be fair, it's a Saturday, and he owns a gym and a protein shake shop, so maybe it's a check swing. Or maybe I shouldn't have gone to begin with.
We sit down; I order a margarita. "Ahhh, you're a margarita girl," he says. "Well, yes, when I'm at a Mexican restaurant that serves margaritas." Don't be cute with me. You don't know me well enough to be cute with me.

He slouched in his seat and spoke in that meathead tone that slightly slurs every word, and you're not sure if they think they're from Jamaica or are part of the cast of Dazed and Confused or are trying to hit on you with the question, "Do you like cats or dogs?"

He's quite entrepreneurial, dabbling in all sorts of different gigs, and they seemed pretty successful, which might be somewhat attractive if he weren't licking his lips so much. Why are you licking your lips so much? They're going to get chapped.

I said I had never been to this part of town and asked what his favorite spots were. He answered and asked what my favorite spots were. "Well, I don't know, because I stated one minute ago, I've never been to this part of town." Are you listening?

I was so glad I was wearing sunglasses so I didn't have to make eye contact, but I also had some promising pork tacos on the way which I was pumped about. Our conversation took a welcomed pause when he turned around to chat with the two women sitting behind us.

The tacos came. They were delicious. I asked him why he moved to Seattle.

"I moved here for you."

"No, really, why'd you move?" Clearly, I wasn't picking up what he was throwing down. And I get signals. I've been single for a long time; I know when I'm putting off a vibe that I'm into you. But he pressed on.

"You want to come back to my place after this?"

"No, that's okay."

"Why not?"

"I'm meeting some friends at 3." He was upset I had scheduled my day so tightly. I said I didn't expect this to be very long.

The check came, and he graciously paid after I offered to split. After which he commented again: "You have time for one more drink, though, right? Let's go back to my place."

"No. No, I don't. I already said I don't."

We leave. He says good bye to the women sitting behind us. Conveniently, his condo was less than a block away from the restaurant. He points it out and says, "Come on, you know you have time. Come in."

"No." I quickly gave him a hug, said thank you, and turned to walk away. He grabbed my arm and pleaded, "Come here. Give me a kiss." Are you a puppy dog? How desperate are you? For the love of God, it's three o'clock in the afternoon. Alternative: You could say you had a nice time and ask me out again. Where's my burrow?

I firmly said no and scurried on my way.

It's a shame, because the shack had some good protein shakes, and I refuse to support his business. I could make a lot of commentary on the entire interaction, but I'll refrain. The bright side is, though, sometimes I get lonely. Then I go on a date like this, and I think, well, my glass of wine, some Jason Isbell, and a bit of writing is company enough.*

* Actually, he could be more mature.
* At least until someone who's not a tone deaf, entitled idiot with an inflated sense of self comes along.

Update: Three Weeks In

First: Huge win. Three weeks, multiple happy hours, dozens of ice breakers, and no one outside of the Ross Amazon bubble is aware of my high school nickname. Sometimes, I even impress myself.

I also just received my Le Creuset dutch oven which is an exquisite addition to my decor. Now I just have to use it... unlike that time I bought an exorbitantly expensive and beautiful snowboard when I was fifteen and used it twice. At the very least, the dutch oven makes me feel like an adult.

Guys - I'm an adult! I'm almost three weeks in, though two of those were training. On the bright side, we had two weeks of training. On the down side, we had two weeks of training. I will delve into very little detail because 1) you probably don't care and 2) Amazon probably knows what I'm writing. And thinking. Before I think it.

As with all orientations, some content is extremely useful and engaging, some content is redundant, some content doesn't make sense until you actually do it, and some content I miss because my mind has wandered to who's the funniest person in the classroom - besides myself. Or whether or not I left my curling iron burning. I'm pretty sure I turned it off, but it's possible my apartment's somehow caught on fire. I hear a siren. Shoot.

This will come as no surprise, but my favorite part of training is the people. Good news. There are at least a few funny people. I don't remember their names, because I'm terrible with names, but they're definitely funny. New life goal: reach a point of authority where I'm not compelled to remember names. "Kevin, will you please pick up my laundry." "My name's Jesse." "Mmm no. I feel like you're a Kevin." "Okay." Just kidding. I recognize the value in remembering names, but I need a better system. Currently my system is: you have a generic American name, you have a generic Indian name, you have a completely foreign name and I don't even understand how those syllables blend together. Let's try a few iterations and see how it goes. Anyways, I'm pretty sure everyone in training loved me. I don't see how they couldn't.

Three days into my actual work, and I'm still excited. I like the way my co-worker's brains work, and I think my brain works in a similar manner*. I like the problems we're trying to solve. There are a lot more resources and people to learn from than at a startup, yet, it seems you still have to be scrappy, which I love. I do wish Amazon would adopt my preferred policy of bathroom doors that reach the floor, but other than this, I have no complaints.

All that said, I have to be honest with you and tell you I did have a moment. I was so certain I wouldn't. After all, I'm a pro at this. I'm used to starting over. I'm a strong, smart, independent lady, and I've done this so many times before. This time, I have a great network of people around me. I have this pretty cool job at an amazing company, even if it did lose the race to the $1 trillion market cap. I had taken the time to work through that gunk that accumulates over time. I have it together.

Then it triggered. I wasn't ready for it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, I was lonely, and the insecurities I worked so hard to overcome resurfaced. The demons of doubt swarmed. The thing about those demons is I don't think they ever completely disappear. You just get better at fighting them and sending them back to hell a little faster each time. You also have the right people around you to help. You take that as progress.

I keep reading this devotional year after year. I know I've mentioned it before, but the last three days in July are such a great sequence:

1. Wait for Him
2. He will fulfill the desires of your heart
3. He commands the whole world; trust Him with everything. Everything is a really big ask, and that's really hard to do.

The first time I read this devotional was five years ago. I was living in Charlottesville, serving tables at a restaurant, extremely unsatisfied and wondering why God had put me there when the roads I took seemed to lead to dead ends. One Friday night in particular, I took a minute to sneak into the bathroom and break down because I felt so lost and alone.

Now I'm here; by no means do I think I have made it. In fact, if I ever think I've made it, slap me, because there is always more to work toward. I do know I've grown over those five years. I find it easier to trust that those uncertainties that I want to be certain, especially during times of transition - those desires - will happen if I wait. In the meantime, one really strong desire - the desire to be in a place where my career can be cultivated and thrive - has been met. For that, I am grateful.


* Apart from the wanderings...