Update: Three Weeks In

First: Huge win. Three weeks, multiple happy hours, dozens of ice breakers, and no one outside of the Ross Amazon bubble is aware of my high school nickname. Sometimes, I even impress myself.

I also just received my Le Creuset dutch oven which is an exquisite addition to my decor. Now I just have to use it... unlike that time I bought an exorbitantly expensive and beautiful snowboard when I was fifteen and used it twice. At the very least, the dutch oven makes me feel like an adult.

Guys - I'm an adult! I'm almost three weeks in, though two of those were training. On the bright side, we had two weeks of training. On the down side, we had two weeks of training. I will delve into very little detail because 1) you probably don't care and 2) Amazon probably knows what I'm writing. And thinking. Before I think it.

As with all orientations, some content is extremely useful and engaging, some content is redundant, some content doesn't make sense until you actually do it, and some content I miss because my mind has wandered to who's the funniest person in the classroom - besides myself. Or whether or not I left my curling iron burning. I'm pretty sure I turned it off, but it's possible my apartment's somehow caught on fire. I hear a siren. Shoot.

This will come as no surprise, but my favorite part of training is the people. Good news. There are at least a few funny people. I don't remember their names, because I'm terrible with names, but they're definitely funny. New life goal: reach a point of authority where I'm not compelled to remember names. "Kevin, will you please pick up my laundry." "My name's Jesse." "Mmm no. I feel like you're a Kevin." "Okay." Just kidding. I recognize the value in remembering names, but I need a better system. Currently my system is: you have a generic American name, you have a generic Indian name, you have a completely foreign name and I don't even understand how those syllables blend together. Let's try a few iterations and see how it goes. Anyways, I'm pretty sure everyone in training loved me. I don't see how they couldn't.

Three days into my actual work, and I'm still excited. I like the way my co-worker's brains work, and I think my brain works in a similar manner*. I like the problems we're trying to solve. There are a lot more resources and people to learn from than at a startup, yet, it seems you still have to be scrappy, which I love. I do wish Amazon would adopt my preferred policy of bathroom doors that reach the floor, but other than this, I have no complaints.

All that said, I have to be honest with you and tell you I did have a moment. I was so certain I wouldn't. After all, I'm a pro at this. I'm used to starting over. I'm a strong, smart, independent lady, and I've done this so many times before. This time, I have a great network of people around me. I have this pretty cool job at an amazing company, even if it did lose the race to the $1 trillion market cap. I had taken the time to work through that gunk that accumulates over time. I have it together.

Then it triggered. I wasn't ready for it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, I was lonely, and the insecurities I worked so hard to overcome resurfaced. The demons of doubt swarmed. The thing about those demons is I don't think they ever completely disappear. You just get better at fighting them and sending them back to hell a little faster each time. You also have the right people around you to help. You take that as progress.

I keep reading this devotional year after year. I know I've mentioned it before, but the last three days in July are such a great sequence:

1. Wait for Him
2. He will fulfill the desires of your heart
3. He commands the whole world; trust Him with everything. Everything is a really big ask, and that's really hard to do.

The first time I read this devotional was five years ago. I was living in Charlottesville, serving tables at a restaurant, extremely unsatisfied and wondering why God had put me there when the roads I took seemed to lead to dead ends. One Friday night in particular, I took a minute to sneak into the bathroom and break down because I felt so lost and alone.

Now I'm here; by no means do I think I have made it. In fact, if I ever think I've made it, slap me, because there is always more to work toward. I do know I've grown over those five years. I find it easier to trust that those uncertainties that I want to be certain, especially during times of transition - those desires - will happen if I wait. In the meantime, one really strong desire - the desire to be in a place where my career can be cultivated and thrive - has been met. For that, I am grateful.


* Apart from the wanderings...