"One more thing... that I'll be honest, I feel silly saying, but o well. I know it's not silly. But still. I really want a relationship. And I know what God's answer is to that, which is, not right now, but in the meantime, I'm really tired from transitioning and making big decisions on my own. I'm not tired all the time, but I am tired a lot. I know whatever is next is in God's hands, too, but that's not the most comforting thought because it's been hard to this point. So... that I'll find myself completely in Him and trust Him and rely on Him solely for strength. And that He will enable me to be joyful in the process and walk righteously."
Over the past six years, that prayer has definitely resurfaced in the email chain:
2017 - "Husband. Heck, maybe just a date. Hehe." 2018 - "Along with that, dating. To everyone who got married young, you missed a pain in the butt dating scene." 2019 - "Prayers for a husband, too. When dad prays with me in the morning, he always throws that in - a Godly, covenant man, and sometimes I want to stop, because it seems like that could take forever. But it's still something I desire, so dangit, I'll pray for it."
My heart has always desired a husband. I was blessed to be surrounded by beautiful examples of family, and I'd love to build my own. He answered so many prayers throughout my twenties I'm incredibly grateful for, but a husband wasn't one of those blessings. It wasn't as if I didn't try. I went on the apps, Match.com, Tinder, some ripoff matchmaking service that actually was pretty decent but too expensive, the League. The answer was always a clear no, though, most often coming from the guy, but occasionally coming from me.
I asked Him often why? Why was He witholding this one thing from me? Early last year, I was finally ready to listen. I've been close to Jesus my whole life. I've trusted Him with my hopes and dreams, obediently followed where He called, and faithfully believed He would do more than I ever could. But there was this one part of me that I didn't give Him completely - my shame. Because I didn't think He wanted it. I thought He wanted all of me, except that. So I let the Devil tell me that no Christian man would ever love me. That I wouldn't be worthy. I knew that was a lie, and I didn't even realize I believed it or held onto my shame until the Holy Spirit revealed it to me. But He revealed something else, too. Something much more beautiful. He revealed that God is with me in those moments that are most shameful, He sees the parts of my heart that are most sinful. And He doesn't look away. No. He looks at me and says, "not only am I here, but if you were the only person in this world, and this was the only moment I knew you, I still would have sent my Son to die on the cross for you, because that is the depth of my love for you." God doesn't love us in spite of our sin, He loves us in our sin. And I am worthy, not because of anything that I have done, but because of what Jesus did on the cross. Where I was rejected, He accepted. Where I was condemned, He redeemed. Where I was cloaked in shame, He cloaked me in righteousness. When you recognize that love in its absolute fullness, it's impossible to not delight yourself in the Lord and commit your way to Him.
I matched with Vance April 19th, 2020, in the midst of the pandemic, because, well, what else was I going to do during lockdown? Before our first date, I was sick to my stomach. I remembered the times I had been hurt, rejected, disappointed, and I was afraid it could happen again, and I wouldn't be able to deal with it again. God sweetly reminded me: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear. My love is perfect. It is and always will be enough." So we had our date, and we had another one. The pit shrunk as we chatted about life, God, family, and the Last Dance (God bless the Last Dance for being an outlet of sports during lockdown.) He told me I was smart and he loved that, even if it was a little intimidating. He made me giggle. He had a quiet, calming confidence about him that reminded me of my dad. He kept asking about my family, and I loved that he was so interested.
I wrote in my family's monthly update: "Also, I went on a couple dates with a guy. He's Christian, goes to my church, was willing to go on a date during quarantine (good sign), listens and mostly agrees with my all my outspoken views that this is insane*, and is generally athletic. Although his profile said he was 5'10'' and I'm a little skeptical from the eye test. Anywho, prayers for God to do with that as he pleases. I think at the very least, it's nice to have someone with a similar viewpoint in Seattle."
And so we went on more dates, and as I travelled around the country, we got to know one another better. He held me as I sobbed and wondered how I I could move back to Seattle. We gambled in an old mining town, and he told me that maybe I shouldn't keep betting just because I have a pair. I kept betting. He introduced me to a new church that was hosting in their living room and would transform my outlook on Seattle. And he laughed with me about so many things. He embraced the dome. And when he questioned whether we should continue dating, I knew God was in it. And beyond that, I knew God, not him, was my rock.
And so he met my family. He bought my nieces and nephews gifts, watched hours of home videos, played basemet PIG (and won), and laughed with all of us. I knew he'd love them, and indeed, he did. So much so, he, a native Hawaiian, would not only entertain, but embrace, the prospect of moving to Ohio. So much so that he would propose to me in front of fifteen of them on April 19th 2020, a year after we first spoke. I suspected he might do it when my brother came downstairs with his massive camera. I mean, the ice cream pie is good, but not that good. He had everyone go outside to play a game of IT (shortened version of PIG), and the fact alone that Gail walked out to the basketball court while it was drizzling meant something was happening. Had I lost, he could have proposed sooner, but since I kept draining my jumpshot, he had a couple people throw the game. And then, in the midst of all the commentary from my family, he told me this was perfect, he loved me, and I always leveled him up. And indeed, it was perfect. And he levels me up, too.
This week, my email to my family read: "Praises! We've been engaged for a month. Woo hoo! There have been so many times since this chain started that I've prayed for a husband, and here he is. God answered a lot of other prayers on the way as well, but it's pretty exciting to be able to check that one off the list!"
So here I am. He's my snaggletooth baracuda, and I'm his sugar muffin balls. Or his bubbles, or his babushka, or his pumpkin. Or whatever his nickname du jour is. He's much more creative with nicknames, and he seems to have an endless roll-a-dex of them. He tells me I'm his inspiration. He continues to teach me about myself, and I'll be honest, that's not always easy***, but it leads to growth. We talk about where we want to live, kids, our honeymoon. He talks about what God is doing, because to him, God isn't just a part of Sundays. He's alive, and He's working. He loves me, in a way that provides a glimpse of how Christ loves His church. There were so many times when I just didn't think I would know that feeling. Those years of waiting, of praying, make this answer to prayer that much sweeter because I know He was in every moment. And He will continue to be in every moment of our lives which fills me with excitement and expectation about what's next. After all, I do still desire to take over the world.
* You may remember 2016 was the winter/spring/summer of Anna during which I was explicitly not asking for a husband
** I thought about censoring this, but is anyone really surprised I thought the past year was insane? Or that I'm outspoken? And to confirm, he is 5'10''.
*** Because I feel like I'm pretty close to perfect
Photo cred to Phil Navatsyk
