The DMV... My Saga Continues

Years ago, I lost my license. Reasons are unimportant. I went to the DMV - or BMV, depending on your state - to replace it. It was Cinco de Mayo. As my friend and I were waiting patiently, one of the tellers asked another, "Is Cinco de Mayo always on the fifth of May?" I turned to my friend: "And that is why the DMV is run so inefficiently."

There are two things any avid reader knows to be true. 1) I do not claim to be good at logistics and 2) The DMV is my mortal enemy. I'm currently sitting at LAX, where I just saw Lebron crush the dreams of the Raptors with a buzzer beater. GOAT - though neither here nor there. I am flying to Tokyo but realized two weeks ago I was supposed to fly to Osaka. So I booked a flight to Osaka. Then I realized I booked the flight from the wrong Tokyo airport. So I booked another flight. Then I realized I get in a day early. So I booked a hotel. I recognize attention to detail with my personal matters - not professional, any future employers reading this - can be lacking at times which is why my ultimate goal next to world takeover is life assistant.

My occasional lapses in thoroughness, however, pale in comparison to those of the DMV and our entire driving system in general. If a Presidential candidate promised to nationalize the DMV, I'd vote for him/her/it regardless of really any other stance. I'll tell you when the trouble began.

I moved to Michigan a month before my Virginia license plates expired, and in the chaos of transitioning, I neglected to renew my plates. Aside from that, Virginia, in its noble quest to be environmentally conscious, requires an e-check. I had two options: 1) drive to Virginia to get said echeck and renew my license plates 2) purchase new Michigan license plates which required me to present the elusive title of my car to the DMV or a third creative option: pitch it to myself as speed control because I didn't want to get pulled over and ticketed for speeding and expired plates. I opted for option 3.

Being a saintly friend, I offered to pick someone up from the airport. As I was waiting, a cop approached my vehicle and informed me that my license plates, were indeed, expired. After a patronizing lecture, he told me he was letting me off easy, gave me what I assumed to be a warning because of the previously quoted statement, and told me to keep the warning in case someone else pulled me over and fix it within ten days. I searched my archives, found the title, applied for registration, and purchased my plates like a responsible citizen. A nuisance, yes, but for a time, all was well between Navs and the DMV.

A month ago, I was once again innocently driving, abiding by the rules of the road, when a cop pulled me over. I was at a stop sign, and even I have difficulty breaking traffic laws at a complete standstill, so I was curious as to the reason. After asking for my license, the cop candidly asked: "Are you aware you are driving under a suspended license and there is a warrant out for your arrest?"

"No officer. Totally unaware."
"Do you remember getting a ticket at the airport last year?"
"Mmmm. I thought that was a warning because he said he was letting me off easy. Could we expand on letting me off easy? And there isn't a price on the ticket, so I didn't know I had to pay anything."
"Well, you did. And you didn't. And your license has been suspended for over a year. Do you have anything illegal in here? If I search your car will I find any drugs or guns?"
"I don't see why that's relevant, but no, you won't."

I'm portraying myself as poised. I was not. I cried a lot. The cop was gracious and didn't take me to jail, although if he had, I could have tried to get a dome mugshot (#domeshot) which would have been a good one for the 'chives. Because of my indiscretion, I had to go to court for driving under a suspended license with a maximum penalty of 90 days in jail. Great blog material, certainly, but also a hindrance on my upcoming start date.

As it played out, the justice system recognized I was not one of the sought-after miscreants, and the charge was reduced to a significantly overpriced parking ticket. Praise be. While this process was encouraging re:the justice system, I still hold the DMV is the most inefficiently run government program when you consider the number of people using it. I get states rights, all you Constitutionalists out there, but really? For instance:

I received a piece of mail stating I did not have a valid license. I tried calling the Secretary of State but literally automated messaged myself in a twenty minute circle in which I ended exactly where I had began. When I went to the DMV, the teller told me that I did have a license, and I didn't have to change it because I was a student, but the state was going to think I didn't have a license and continue sending me notices. How does this make sense? How is this efficient? How is the bettering the life of an American citizen? There are many points of dissension in this country, but can we please agree that this is a ridiculous ploy to generate cash flow under the guise of promoting responsible behavior?

I'm now trying to sell my vehicle, sweet Maleek. However, I realized I never was sent the new title, but merely had the application for the title of the vehicle. So it's sitting in my parents garage, and I never plan on owning a vehicle again. Unless the candidate for 2024 nationalizes the DMV.