Stalk Me, Please

The other evening, I partook in what has become a common practice among children, adults, political activists, entrepreneurs, creepy guys in the weight room: Facebook stalking. Yes, I occasionally meander through the profiles of others, eager to find a juicy tidbit of gossip. However, since no one had compelling status updates or incriminating pictures posted, I stalked myself and found my information page to be very bland. To strangers and random acquaintances, I was merely a single girl who lived in Charlottesville, which does not satisfy the need to make a high school crush who happens upon your page regret turning you down eight years ago. Determined to resolve this issue, I summoned my sharpest wit and began.

Basic information: I could choose to hide my sex or put that I am interested in men, but I think my name indicates the answer to both. I chose to not display my year of birth because now, when I am ashamed to be 32, I do not have to remove the year conspicuously. Not everyone announces relationship status; I realize there are justifications for doing so, but I cannot help but think:

1) You are ashamed of being in a relationship,
2) You are ashamed of not being in a relationship, or
3) You are trying to maintain multiple relationships, or
4) You think your relationship status is an issue that only the selected worthy should know.

Whatever the reason of others, I am single.

About me: This is a crucial bit because if friends pa rousing do not click your info button, this quote will still be seen on the profile. I decided to keep mine as is: Life is short, but sweet for certain.

Profile picture: I have a job that allows me to work in bare feet, so I do not need to impress employers or appear professional. I am sporting a pimp hat, Mardi Gras beads and Shamrock pajama pants, singing. I think the picture highlights my character.

Featured people: I was tempted to add every family member, and one day I will dedicate an hour at work to select every cousin, aunt, uncle, sibling, creating the most epic featured people page Facebook has ever had to store.

Education and Work: Although I would typically have to enhance my job title, search market analyst is sophisticated. Under description I emphasized the ultimate goal global domination via search engines.

Ahhh philosophy; Facebook is getting deep. I try to stay as shallow as possible while briefly describing my life over cyberspace. I vacillate on whether or not to broadcast Christianity, and the decision is even harder now that the picture is a shepherd in terrible lighting. I think we should be able to replace the picture if we choose, in which case my Jesus would look a lot like Leonidas in 300. As it is, I claimed Christianity, and the next person who stalks me after a night out will know this... Perhaps I should now avoid getting too low on the dance floor. I do not put my political beliefs, mainly because I do not claim enough knowledge to defend them, and if I put that Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blond was my inspiration, people may not take me seriously.

Entertainment: When stalking others, musical interest is the first section I analyze as I see it as the greatest superficial window into the soul. I am by no means a musical expert, although those who know me will testify to my impeccable singing ability. However, I do appreciate tastes that span beyond the latest pop sensation, Justin Bieber. My favorite bands ranged from Rascall Flatts to the National to Iron & Wine to Tegan and Sara to Eminem.

If music is a window to the soul then movies are definitely a peephole. Judging my selection, I would pin myself as a hopelessly romantic, intense, funny, twisted nerd.

The next section is a recent addition to Facebook: Sports. Picking a favorite team was surprisingly difficult considering the amount of time I spend watching sports. I realized I cannot claim to be an avid fan of any team except Cleveland Browns, Indians, and Cavs - unfortunately for me. Listing favorite athletes, I simply put every quarterback I imagined myself marrying until Facebook said I had to stop. Probably just as well as my imagination began running away with me.

Finally: Activities. I love the enhancements on this section including description. For instance, I like eating, and I have the option to include with whom I enjoy eating and describing the process. I was tempted to write an elaborate play by play of my method of eating: the caressing of a burger, lightly licking all edges, and then shoving it as far into my mouth as I could. I decided against this.

There I am, in a cyberspace nutshell. What image do I portray? I do not know. However, I revisited my profile this past week and realized my privacy settings had all information blocked. Apparently all stalkers will only know I enjoy St. Patrick's Day, Mardi Gras, and pimp hats. I am okay with that.