A Productive Week of Work

This week, work was productive on many levels. Prompted by a coworker, I scrubbed my coffee mug until it sparkled, and in doing so, killed any parasite colonies it may be harboring. Second, I created a spreadsheet charting the relative success of ACC, Big Ten, SEC, and Big East schools in basketball and football the past ten years. Although the Big Ten came in a disappointing third place, I did prove my point that they had the most even distribution of athletic ability between the two sports. Third, I used the term "granular" in a correspondence with a client, which I believe increases my credibility as an analyst by at least 22%.

My greatest success this week, however, was with regard to another client. To ensure the anonymity of the latest innocent target of my affections, I will be vague with details. I was introduced to him in October when his company was desperately seeking search engine advertising advice. He was given to me as a client, and we discussed the potential growth my consulting could earn his establishment. While chatting, however, I noticed his voice very nearly resembled that of a post pubescent boy. Upon further investigation, I discovered he was, in fact, only one year removed from college. I thought this interesting, but pursued it no further.

This week our communication began as it usually does as I sent him a weekly report, explaining the various fluctuations in performance. As the week progressed, we spent more time together as he spoke with various product managers within the company about our new offerings. I contributed little to these conversations after the initial introduction, but since it was an excuse to recline in a comfortable chair for an hour, I was more than willing to listen. Since I did not have an active role in the sales pitch, I was able to listen intently. After he incorporated both "pain in the ass" and "holy shit" on the calls, mentioned the fact that he started his business when he was eighteen, and made three references to buying flowers for his mother, I decided he must be worth pursuing. It was time to seriously commit to finding a picture. As is usually the case, persistence and the lack of privacy offered by the Internet led me to a photo, and I am happy to say, the CEO with money and ambition is not extremely hard on the eyes.

The question becomes, since I cannot impress him with my good looks, charming smile, and graceful stride, how can I woo him? Thankfully, my appeal lies not in appearances alone. Considering our communication occurs once a week over the phone and various times via email, I have some ideas. Initially, I considered simply causing his account many issues of concern in order to increase correspondence. However, for the sake of my job, I think it best to enhance, rather than increase.

First, I must write in a manner that sets me apart from others. I will begin with personal salutations such as, "I hope this Monday finds you well, (insert target's name)." I must fore go the consistent lowercase and two syllable words. Incorporating the terms bandwidth, heretofore, superfluous, and the like, certainly help, but I must avoid sounding pretentious. Perhaps sports idioms or references to my non-existent pick up truck and can of tobacco will accomplish this. I will depart with diversified farewells: best, regards, cheers, etc, which are personal, but by no means invasive to the client/analyst relationship.

While emails can have an impact, the most intimate time spent together is on the phone, and this is where I must focus my efforts. It is a difficult hurdle, as I am typically opposed to such exchanges due to the awkward pauses that occur when both parties speak simultaneously. Then, each wants to be polite and let the other begin; personally, I keep talking and wait for the other person to surrender the right to speak. However, with a client, this could be seen as disrespectful, so I must be sure he is finished before responding, while still avoiding the awkward pause. Further, I need to laugh heartily at his jokes about the nuances of business, but not so heartily my voice raises three octaves, which is a common occurrence. I need to say "ummm" and "like" less, and throw in a casual reference to my availability and love for the city in which he resides. Also, I can have no carbonation or fruit up to two hours prior to the call, for that causes acid build up which will inevitably lead to me excusing myself five times in one call.

Most importantly, I have to remind myself never to post this blog on Facebook under my information as a website. Should he ever have the complimentary desire to stalk me, I do not need him stumbling upon a link that will reveal my infatuation.