Side View Mirrors

I am beginning a new segment to my semi-weekly blog: product brainstorming. If someone is intelligent enough to transform my million dollar ideas into reality, I will only demand 70% of royalties, a gracious negotiation. Today’s idea: tinted side view mirrors.

I was not privileged enough to have an SUV when I came of driving age. Interestingly enough, as time went on and my driving record developed, my father continually downgraded my leased vehicle. Initially, though, I had a four door coupe, the Nissan Maxima. The trend continued, and I currently drive a low-riding Pontiac G6, Maleek.

Before delving deeper into my latest product enhancement, I will answer two inevitable questions begged by the previous statement. The G6 is a two door, not a four door, although by no choice of my own. My father asked me which I would prefer, and while I contemplated which would be the more prudent choice for my future, he decided I should buy the two door. I am thankful for his initiative, as I do look fairly fly in a sports car.

As for the name: I recently decided I love that name, but realized that unless I procreate with a black man, I do not feel justified naming my baby boy Maleek. Following this logic, I need to purchase at least three more cars so I can name them Malachi, Jamal, and I-ea (pronounced eye-dash-ee-uh). I could also marry a black man. Regardless, since the most prestigious item I possess (next to my teal boots) is my vehicle, I decided to name it Maleek.

Maleek and I were chatting on my way home Sunday, when our conversation was rudely interrupted by a truck riding my bumper. Annoying? Yes. Cause for road rage? Perhaps. The worst part of our encounter was that due to his towering height, the headlights shone directly into the sideview mirrors, rendering Maleek temporarily blinded. No car should have to stare directly into the harmful fluorescent rays emitted by bullying vehicles. If it is possible to tint the rearview movie, heat my seats, and start my car from a mile away, surely someone can provide Maleek with necessary protection. This way, our discussion pertaining to the strategy of maintaining consistent, comfortable temperature in the car does not have to take a back seat to the burning of our retinas.