My Case for Best Man

I was going to give twenty-four reasons in honor of your twenty-fourth birthday, but decided to stick to the classic SportsCenter top ten countdown.

10. The elements. Likely, the two of you will take your first communion together as part of the ceremony. And when the pastor brings forth the bread and wine, who is going to be there to declare their presence, Neo Cortex style?

Now that I have lost 98% of the readership, I will continue...

9. Why were you able to land a broad? It could be your killer wit, cool cowlick and MC skills. But more than likely, it's because you had to listen to me pontificate over men for so many years as I provided you with invaluable insight into the female psyche. Not to mention, I pushed you out of your seventh grade punk phase. Lord know where you would be if you had lingered there.

8. Where did you get your baseball skills? Possibly father. Possibly practice. Or... hours of playing catch with me and having to field my terrible throws.

7. Who introduced the peanut butter Oreo shake, which became your staple snack for four solid years, into the Navatsyk household? That was me. I took the Oreo shake to a new level. You're welcome.

6. We make a solid team. Tomb Raider, Crash Bandicoot, PacMan. Just a few of our conquered exploits. Countless snow forts. Epic forts in the woodlands. The first of many hip hop jingles, "We Low. On Oil." Honestly, we need a better name for that song. I was trying to think of one and kept coming up dry.

5. Let's be honest, none of your friends is as good looking as I.*

4. We have the same value system. Would you really want Steelers fans on either side of you? Or someone who did not respect Ohio State, Lebron, and the plight of Cleveland?

3. You and I both know I'm a phenomenal speaker. I mean, the only person who could possibly compete is you, and you couldn't give your own best man speech... or could you?

2. I brought country music into your life.

And, the number one reason I should be your best man:

1. You need someone next to you quoting Wedding Crashers and Old School as Courtny walks down the aisle. And Mulan. Maybe Emperor's New Groove. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time...

I recognize there is an insurmountable logistical issue with me being best man, so I will not be offended if I do not win the role. We all know it should be me, and I can be satisfied with that. I will settle for one last single-Navatsyk-sibling hoorah - Euroadtrip. #TheBachelorPartyWillHaveNothingOnThis #ButNotInAWeirdWay #TaylorSwiftAllDay.

*That sentence was grammatically tricky.