Saturday, October 15, 2016

Hi, I'm Anna. I'm a Christian.

Is not how I've introduced myself at grad school.

This week is National Coming Out Week. I didn't realize it when I began writing, but I thought it was an interesting coincidence. I'm not going to pretend to relate to "coming out," although I did tell my siblings that after navigating the world of men for many years, I may throw in the towel and come out as asexual. Amoeba Anna, my brother nicknamed me. Don't worry, everyone who enjoys hearing about my awkward interactions with men, I talked myself out of it as I watched baseball in HD. Those pants do it for me every time... Point is - sometimes it's hard being totally honest about who you are, and I've been surprised about how difficult it has been to be honest about my Christianity since coming to school. Not necessarily saying I'm a Christian, but explaining why and actually living it have been difficult - a reflection more of me than those around me, so obviously, my blogging conscience urged me to reflect.

The first time I shared openly about God on this blog was when I started working for VividCortex. "Taste and see that the Lord is good," I quoted as I reflected on my journey to that point. The opportunity was such a clear answer to prayer, and I thought, this is it. This is what you have for me, God. I created this narrative about where it was going to lead - I tend to create narratives for my life and expect God's plan to follow.

It wasn't at all what I expected. It was a grind, it was hard, in many ways unfulfilling, but it brought me to a place where I was utterly desperate and dependent on God. One particular night in November, when I was rejected by a program, I broke down, not knowing what I would do if I didn't get accepted to a school. During that time, God showed His faithfulness, that He rewards those who seek Him, and that while His plan is not the same as mine, it is wholly good.

And then I started business school. I signed up for the Ross Christian Fellowship, and I finally went to a meeting this week. Unfortunately, since they're held on Thursday evenings, I haven't been able to make one yet, and even so, I could only make the first twenty minutes. There were six people there. Six. Out of 800 students. You know what percentage that is? I do, because I decided to actually start studying for my stats class. It's less than one percent.

Business school is full of motivated people with a plan. We are smart, driven, independent, and successful. When asked where we see ourselves in the next five years, we're working at an investment bank, at a consulting firm. We're saving the environment. We're building infrastructure in Africa. Which are all amazing things. You know what's not a popular response? "In five years, I want to be where God can use me for His purposes to make the greatest impact." Perhaps there are a lot of festering Christian beliefs in many that I am not aware of, but for many single people in their mid-late twenties in academia, God's will doesn't seem to be the first priority.

When I began business school, I had goals for myself, if you remember. One of them was to find a church, but I think that was misguided. A more appropriate goal would have been to have God at the center of my world as the rest spins around. And if I'm completely honest with myself - and everyone reading my blog - that hasn't been the case the first quarter.

On the few occasions people have asked me why I am a Christian, I have found it more difficult to explain than I would like to admit. Many who have casually followed my blog for years have heard my musings, but for newcomers, the short answer is:

1) I am broken without God's grace. There are times where I like to think I am a good picture of Christ's love, but I know there are definitely times when I don't represent Christianity. Hence... grace. Any time you wonder why I'm happy or why I smile so often, it's because I understand the love of Christ. The times when I act like an idiot - well, that's all me.

And 2) God can do more with my life than I ever thought possible. Even though I am a smart, driven, independent individual.

During the twenty minutes I was at the Christian Fellowship meeting, we wrote down our high school expectations of the future. When I looked at my former expectations and reality, they were vastly different. But here I am, on a full scholarship to one of the elite business schools in the country, and I don't credit myself for that. I credit God's goodness, His guidance, and His unmerited favor. So why wouldn't I live for Him?

Quite simply - because sometimes it's hard. It's easy to forget God's faithfulness and become complacent when you're no longer desperate. It's easy to create my own narrative and lose sight of the fact that God's plan is greater than any fanciful one I can concoct. And, sometimes, it's easier to incorporate God into my life when it's convenient for me. In the morning with my coffee, at night as I go to bed, occasionally on a Sunday when I decide to wake up for church.

I have been a Christian for over twenty years, and the times I have been confused have been those when I have lost focus and been distracted. And the times I have had clarity and purpose have been those when I have fixed my eyes on the cross.

I visited home this weekend and went to the high school football game. Afterward, I saw my dad, who immediately opened his arms for a giant, warm hug, and I was reminded of the loving embrace of God. He meets us where we are. He meets us in our brokenness, with all our faults, and He tells us that He loves us unconditionally, He rids of us our shame, and then He invites us to walk with Him, without distraction.

So I am amending my goals to make that my focus. Incidentally, in writing this, I am completing goal number 4: to get out of my comfort zone, because while I often talk about God, it is hard to write about times when I have struggled. I suspect that means it was worth it.

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