WOD - Unrequited

Unrequited: Not reciprocated or returned in kind.
example: His unrequited love for dogs drove him to the point of madness, as all canines seemed to loath his presence.

The bear cave's most recent ritual is the word of the day (W.O.D.). Since the bulletin board no longer recounts my dating adventures, it has become an outlet to improve vocabulary on a daily basis. The focus of today's entry: unrequited.
We will revisit the theme: Anna's hopeless crushes on RKG counterparts who are leaving town, but first, we will talk about a boy.

I was a junior in college, skipping blissfully along in my own little world, when I met a boy. The majority of bonding was done in the cafeteria, and while this may seem insignificant, much can be learned about a person through observing his choice in meals, his methods of chewing, and how long he remains in the cafeteria. This particular gent ate only the finest cafeteria food, chewed quietly, and shared my affinity for spending hours discussing movies, sports, or the test for which I was inevitably not studying over a meal. After weeks of shameless flirting, he casually asked for my number and my Friday evening plans. As is the case with college dating, he was not trying to take me to dinner, but perhaps I would like to hang out with him and his friends. When the time came to engineer my evening, I did not accept his invitation. Instead, I informed him I was going to be with some guy friends, and while he was more than welcome to come, it would probably be a sausage fest. Dating tip #27: when trying to kindle a romance, do not tell the pursued you are ditching him for a multitude of other dudes.

Perhaps we could have moved past this. However, the next night, when we met at a toga party (I realize this theme does not exactly scream lasting romance), I again spent the majority of my night entertaining everyone except him, and this time, dancing was involved. Needless to say, I lost whatever classy reputation our afternoons telling inappropriate jokes had established.

We still saw each other and were always friendly, even sharing the occasional laugh. Because our relationship never began, I was able to continue my daily routines relatively undisrupted, although I did have to change my lunch partner. Still, it bothered me, and the boy with whom I shared many silly moments years ago comes to mind from time to time. The root of dissatisfaction is not that I am not with him, madly in love and living the small town dream, but rather the reason this alternate reality never had a chance. There are many factors in such situations, both internal and external, known and unknown. To me, the one most apparent was fear. Fear of failure, fear of leaving a world of certain certainties for one with unpredictable outcomes, fear of feelings unrequited.

What seems like a small lifetime later, these fears have not evaporated. They may have intensified as stakes become higher and I become increasingly accustomed to operating independent of others. Unfortunately, fear seems to be an ever-present pest, casting shadows of doubt and questioning the strength of my will. As years pass, I am more aware of its threatening nature and the attitude with which I approach situations that expose my fears, some small and some potentially crippling. Enter, hopeless crush.

To my credit, this crush had a slightly more legitimate basis than the first. I could delve into extensive detail about formations of feelings, as well as their progression, but I believe that would be straying from the topic at hand. For all intents and purposes, just know feelings were lingering, and despite numerous personal pep talks, refused to dissipate.

After months of suppressing my tongue, the time came for him to leave our small town of Charlottesville and move on with his life, at which point, I could do the same. There was one problem with this: I would not continue my daily routines without at least a tinge of regret. Yes, I would be happy, and I would certainly continue enjoying life, but from time to time, I would remember this boy and wonder what the outcome could have been had I confronted my fears. Just once.

Standing outside his apartment complex for approximately twenty minutes, looking mildly creepy and sweating profusely, I desperately tried to convince myself the matter was best left alone. After all, I realized the most likely outcome was not what my dignity hoped it would be. If I said nothing and simply returned to work, my pride would be untarnished and my heart left completely in tact. But he would not know. As anticipated, knocking on the door was difficult, and forming coherent sentences was petrifying. Perhaps my method was a bit unorthodox, even extreme and arguably silly, but I mustered the courage to say those things that needed to be heard. If not for him, for me. After doing so, I walked away, feeling a small weight removed from my shoulders.

He has since moved, and my life continues undisturbed; there is but one difference. I know while the fear of change, rejection, and complete vulnerability will never disappear, I was able to confront it and embrace my feelings. Even if they were unrequited.